Issei and friends play Blue's Clues
by HatsOff
Summary: Issei and the men of the ORC, student council and even Vali are invited to a party at Riser's After getting high, they decided to create their own episode of their favorite childhood tv show. WARNING: Lots of swearing, drugs, and general nonsense are contained in this story. Reuploaded in order to fix many errors in the previous version.
1. Part 1: Casting

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights or characters to Highschool DXD or Blue's Clues. Highschool DXD is the property of Ichiei Ishibumi and Blue's Clues is the property of Nickelodeon. No profit is being made off of this.**

 **Part 1: Casting**

One Friday night, Issei and all his male friends decided to take a Saturday night away from the women in the ORC and student council. The group was invited to party Riser's house, and even Vali tagged along much to the annoyance of Issei.

About 2 hours after the party began, Riser suddenly asked if any of them had ever gotten high. Everyone denied having ever blazed before, and with a grin, Riser went to open his secret stash and pulled out his personal glass bong. "Let's light up." Riser said with a grin.

The bong was passed around and everyone took a few hits including Gasper after a little encouragement from Issei.

After a bit the boys started talking about girls that annoyed them at school.

"…I mean, when would she even find the time to go out and find a dude when she's probably busy making soap and watching Blue's Clues and Dora the Explorer?" asked Saji.

"Yeah" said Gasper in a relaxed tone.

"That's right" Kiba agreed.

"Hey don't talk shit about fucking Blue's Clues, that show was fucking rad dude. Let's play some Blue's Clues, I wanna play some Blue's Clues right now." Issei said with excitement.

"How? How are you gonna play Blue's Clues with just our voices?" Kiba asked, thinking this was a dumb idea.

"Uh… alright alright alright." Issei drawled. "Here's how it goes alright? Everybody has a designated role. Uh, one guy has to be the guy in the green suit. Who was it? John or some shit?"

"Steve!" yelled Gasper.

"Steve, yeeeeeaaaaaah." Issei said.

"Wow this stuff fucked you up good." Riser laughed at Issei's stupid idea.

"I'll be Steve" said Kiba.

"Scumbag Steve." Issei replied happily at Kiba's acceptance of his role. "Uh, alright you be Steve. Uh, Vali you be a fucking, I don't fucking know, uh, swimsuit fucking calendar that I need to find or some shit, I don't fucking know."

"Oh great I'm a swimsuit calendar, perfect." Vali replied sarcastically.

"Uh, Gasper you're Blue, congratufuckinglations you get the part."

"Oh good, the part I was born to play" replied Gasper.

"Yeah, uh Riser, you're the fucking Japanese love pillow on fucking Steve's bed." Issei pointed at Riser, who was so shocked he didn't have anything to say back.

Issei reached over for the bong and took another hit. "Saji, you're uh… you're the fucking paprika thing or whatever."

"Make him the pepper!" Kiba cut in.

"Yeah, fine the pepper oh I'm sorry! No you're the pepper, the salt and you're the paprika. There ya go!" Issei yelled back in response.

"So he's the baby." Said Vali.

"Yeah, paprika. Fucking baby paprika you remember that shit? Fucking paprika." Issei struggled to say as he burst into a fit of stifled giggles. "Loup!" Issei suddenly shouted.

Loup jerked slightly in surprise. "What?" he asked.

"Congratulations, you got the best part in the fucking house. You're fucking, uh, who's the guy in the red suit?" Issei struggled to remember the character's name.

"The red suit?" Kiba asked, confused.

"Yeah." Issei replied. "There's Steve and then there's someone else."

"There was never a dude in a red suit, there was a replacement who wore different colors named Joe."

"Joe? Alright Loup you're Joe. Alright so let's start, we're gonna recreate a new episode of Blue's Clues."

"Get your fucking phone camera ready." Saji whispered over to Riser.

 **Author note: This was something I just randomly thought of and quickly threw together for fun. I will be uploading the next part very soon. If you liked this please leave a review and let me know what you liked or didn't like**.


	2. Part 2: Blue's Clues: DXD Edition

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights or characters to Highschool DXD or Blue's Clues. Highschool DXD is the property of Ichiei Ishibumi and Blue's Clues is the property of Nickelodeon. No profit is being made off of this.**

 **Part 2: Blue's Clues: DXD Edition**

Issei was giggling again when he said "Alright everybody let's play some fucking Blue's Clues. Yo alright so we got fucking uh… we got Blue uh… yo, alright so how's the theme song go?"

Riser pulled out his phone and began recording as Issei broke into extremely off key song.

"It's like fucking Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Uh duh duh da da duh da da da. Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Gotta get some Blue's Clues!"

Vali slow clapped when Issei finished his song.

"Yes, alright great! Fantastic, scene starts. Fucking uh, Blue is fucking sitting down on the fucking rug and shit and just fucking looking at the camera like 'what the fuck you fucking doing you fucking asshole?' So then the camera pans, and there's no uh, Steve, usually there's a Steve to uh, introduce the episode to the kids and viewers."

"What's going on guys, Steve here." says Kiba.

"Yeah. We finally see the illustrious Steve uh, on the couch who just pops in magically. You wonder 'how could this happen, what's with the magic?' Well it gets explained in this episode. This is the script…"

"I'm on angel dust." Jokes Kiba, trying to imitate Issei's voice.

"So, the 1st line that Steve speaks is…" Issei gestures over to Kiba.

"Hey boys and girls!" Kiba says in a fake enthusiastic tone.

Saji bursts out laughing. "This shit is already getting creepy." All the other guys join in laughing except for Kiba.

Kiba decided to revise his line. "Hey everybody Steve here!" Suddenly Kiba starts to sing, "We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from."

"Blue proceeds to open the letter…" continues Issei.

"Since when does that happen?" Kiba interrupts.

"Blue's a fucking dog!" Saji gasps out from laughing so hard.

"Na! Th-the dog has fucking paws, it can open shit…" Issei responds.

"That still…" Kiba tries to cut in.

"IT CAN OPEN SHIT ALRIGHT! Just fucking listen…" Issei stops due to laughing uncontrollably.

"Yeah but Blue's a fucking dog!" Gasper says back to Issei.

"No it has paws, its like hands, it's the same shit, ok! So Blue opens the fucking letter alright. He can't fucking read it so he hands it over to fucking Steve Jobs here."

"Why'd Blue open it if she can't read it?" asked Kiba.

"Issei ignores him. "Steve reads the letter and with a voice that expresses enormous enjoyment, he states that the letter says…" he pauses, waiting for a response from Kiba.

"The letters don't say anything, they're usually videos that…"

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE LETTER FUCKING SAY?!"

"It doesn't say…"

"Just fucking say it, you want this to make sense? I know you understand what I'm fucking trying to say! Just say that you're reading the letter aloud!"

"FINE! Dear Steve, how's Blue doing? We love your show. I hope you find all 3 clues. Love, the kids…"

"Love Joe!" Issei interrupts, causing everyone to break out into hysterics. "Ok, Joe's a fucking backstabbing asshole. He's gonna fucking steal Steve's jobs in the next fucking episode, so Steve knows that he has to make the best of a really shitty opportunity. He's gonna get fucking shit, he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him from Joe if he says 'No, I want to stay on the set of fucking Blue's Clues ok, fuck you Joe!'"

"Can I get a line please?" asks Gasper. Issei ignores him and continues the story.

"So Joe comes in, and automatically like a fucking, uh, fucking drunkard boozehound, he slams the door open to Blue's house, and then he proceeds to state, uh, very drunkenly and agitated, like as if he was going to vomit, but also going to fight Steve, who is just 5 feet away from him. So, Joe proceeds to state…" Issei paused again and pointed at Loup.

"Steve, the show is mine now!" Loup says in response.

"All of a sudden, Blue uh, hurriedly goes to the corner to fucking cry like he's a fucking emo little bitch."

Everyone except Gasper begins to giggle uncontrollably while Gasper gives Issei a pissed off glare.

"Alright, Steve says…" again pointing at Kiba.

"Blue, hurry up and stamp a paw print on his dick so I can fucking fuck him up!" Kiba shouts at Gasper.

"Blue does not proceed to do this cause he's a little pussy ass bitch so…"

"AW WHAT?!" Gasper shouts while everyone else laughs so hard that some begin to cough and grasp their gut due to how hard they were laughing.

Issei wipes a tear from his eye and continues. "So Steve decides to think about it for a couple of seconds and then says that he needs to pull out his handy dandy notebook, and the handy dandy notebook proceeds to, uh, to be opened by Steve, and Steve then says…"

Kiba thinks for a second. "Alright I'm gonna draw out how I'm gonna kill this motherfucker and get away with it."

Issei continues his story. "To much of the ire from Joe, he then throws a uh, an empty beer bottle at Steve, just barely missing him and accidentally hitting the Paprika that was on Steve's fucking table right by him, cause he's fucking eating dinner…"

"So they're in the kitchen now? Oh alright." Riser interrupts.

Everyone but Issei laughs at this.

"No no no! He brought the Paprika over to have some fucking dinner, and then the Paprika states to say…" Issei turns towards Saji.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Saji lets out a fake scream.

"This hurts like fuck." Vali adds under his breath.

"This leads to the attention of Pepper and Salt. Pepper and Salt hurriedly rush over to the aid of Paprika, and then Pepper proceeds to state…" he pauses, waiting for a response.

"Oh my goodness my baby!" Saji says in a falsetto voice. "Man what the fuck happened to you? Why are you laying on the ground all broken and shit?" he asks as Salt in a really bad French accent.

"Then Salt replies with…"

A long pause follows while everyone looks at Saji, who looks confused.

"Oh shit, I fucked up." Saji mutters. Everyone laughs at him.

"Its ok, its ok." Issei said. "Just fucking roll with it."

"Why am I all 3? What kind of casting organization is this?" Saji asks.

Issei laughs at his confusion, then answers, "Just shut up! Just shut up!"

"You shut up!" Saji retorts.

"I'M TRYING TO MAKE MY MOVIE HERE! DON'T FUCKING RUSH ME!"

"He's trying to make his movie so that he can submit it to Nickelodeon." Vali says while laughing uncontrollably.

"JUST SHUT UP!" Issei shouts.

"This is gonna be great." Gasper says.

"Ok, I'll get into character." Saji said. He pauses while trying to think up a line.

"You're Salt." Issei says impatiently. "You're emotionally agitated. You feel like you're about to crumble into a million pieces. I'm just setting up your character for your big emotional reveal right here, your line right here, which is…"

"Alright my line right here…" Saji mutters. He takes a deep breath. "FFFFFFFuck." he says anticlimactically.

"Oooooooh." Kiba lets out in a bored tone.

"There ya go." says Saji. "Emotional."

Issei continues. "Joe then, in a drunken manner, decides to fucking, uh, crawl over to fucking Paprika like a fucking baby, the reason for this being unknown. However, he's incredibly drunk, he's probably just fucking dumb as shit, he probably played Meme Run for 24 hours, but anyways…"

"You mean like you did?" Riser asks.

"Don't fucking test me." Issei said back. "He looks over with childlike awe at the Paprika, as he never saw a fucking Paprika talk ever before. He seems myst… uh mystified, wonderful, uh, I mean wondrous…" Issei begins to trip on his words.

"Oh wonderfun." Vali mocks Issei.

"Yeah, oh wonderfun! He doesn't know what the fuck is going on." Issei responds, not quite catching on to the ridicule he received. "He's wonders, he doesn't know what the fuck is going on alright? So, Joe proceeds to anxiously and saddeningly…"

"That's not a word." Gasper cuts in.

"He states saddeningly…" Issei repeats, ignoring Gasper while waiting for a response from Loup.

A long pause follows while everyone stares at Loup, who had drifted off and wasn't paying much attention to the story.

"Joe…" Kiba whispers.

"That's your line!" Gasper also whispers.

"Joe!"

"Hey if you don't fucking say this line you're fucking getting recast bitch" says Issei.

"LOUP!" Shouts Riser.

"Hmm?" Loup finally responds.

"IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH!" Issei shouts.

"What'd I miss?" Loup asks in confusion.

"Oh my god, the whole fucking thing!" Saji replies.

"Loup I'm giving you 1 more chance."

"What is…" Loup starts to say.

"LOUP! You're a great actor! I'm giving you 1 more chance alright! Listen, here's what happened! You threw the fucking beer bottle at Paprika and Pepper and Salt are real sad about it. So Joe basically realizes the uh, the ire that he has caused ok? So this ire is proven to be quite the uh, realization for Joe. He realizes that he made a mistake and that he killed an innocent person, Paprika. An innocent fucking soul."

"Paprika's a person now?" Vali asks.

"YES! He's a fucking person! This is the moral of the story Vali, we'll get to it later with the fucking porno swimsuit model…"

"Oh so it turns into a porno, great, I can't wait." Kiba sighs.

"Nah, we'll get to that later. Alright so, Loup, I have explained the character of Joe at this moment…"

"Where am I? I'm fucking Blue…" Gasper interrupts.

"NAH JUST SHUT UP!" Issei shouts.

"FUCK YOU!" Gasper retorts.

"Loup, finish your line!"

Loup stays silent as he struggles to think of what to say.

"What do you decide to say to poor innocent Paprika, who has just fallen to fucking, uh, Barnabas' rule? What now? What do you have to say to poor Pepper and Salt that are fucking lost out of a child, what the fuck is wrong with you? What do you have to say for yourself? WHAT DOES JOE SAY NOW?!" Issei asks with passion in his voice.

"Uh…" Loup continues to struggle for a good response while everyone laughs at him.

"I never like Paprika anyway" Kiba offers a suggestion to Loup.

"C'mon Joe. No I want Joe to answer. I want Joe to complete the script ok. Just fucking please do it, please." Says Issei.

"Ha ha ha, goddammit!" Riser wipes a tear from his eye.

"LOUP JUST FUCKING SAY IT, HOLY SHIT!" Issei shouts while laughing hysterically.

"Uh, there was nothing I could do." says Loup.

Issei lightly chuckles. "Ok, so Joe decides to run off in fear of fucking getting caught by the police. Steve then decides to call the police, and while this is happening, Blue decides that he needs a little alone time after this."

"Oh god, here comes the porno part." Kiba sighs.

"He grabs one of Steve's uh, photographic calendars to see what day it is…"

Kiba laughs at Vali. "Oh Vali you're gonna get masturbated to by a blue cartoon dog, good for you."

"Blue takes the calendar to his room to list off the day that Paprika died. So after he marks it down, Blue decides to also add some important dates such as Blue's birthday, Steve's Birthday, uh, all that stuff. So, he looks through the calendar and he realizes, 'this is a model swimsuit. Wait, that's fucking weird, I'm a fucking dog.' So, Blue steals a handy dandy notebook from Steve room, and with the blue crayon attached he adds big, floppy, dog ears onto the woman and draws in their faces blue. Then he decides to say…"

"Worst story ever." Gasper interrupts.

"THEN HE DECIDES TO SAY, GASPER… what does he decide to say?"

Gasper is surprised that he finally gets a line. "Uh, what does he decide to say? "Well, I'll fucking tell you! Uh… I don't know."

There's a brief pause following Gasper's line. "He doesn't know. He doesn't know what he's doing with his life." says Issei.

"You're fired." Riser jokes.

"FINE, I DIDN'T GET THAT MANY FUCKING LINES ANYWAY!" Everyone falls over laughing at Gasper's outburst, who also begins to laugh at the ridiculousness of Issei's story.

Issei continues his story. "Now before Blue could uh, could rub one out, he started to lean back and uh, accidentally bumped into Steve's Japanese love pillow. Japanese love pillow seems agitated, furious at Blue for laying down upon him, when really the love pillow was meant for Steve and Steve only. The love pillow then proceeds to reply to Blue's, uh, actual piece of shit attitude, of shittiness."

"What the fuck?" Riser asks in confusion.

"Just fucking say something I don't know." Issei says back.

"Uh, in China they say I kick your ass motherfucker!" Riser shouts.

"Blue decides to say fuck you and rub one out and uh, ejaculate onto the model swimsuit calendar…"

"How's he gonna rub one out?" asks Kiba.

"BLUE'S A GIRL!" Vali shouts at Issei.

"The model swimsuit calendar wrings out its mouth and proceeds to say…" Issei looks at Vali.

Vali glares at him and responds, "I know you ain't talking about me motherfucker cause there ain't no one rubbing shit out on me!"

Everyone except Vali laughs harder than they've laughed all night except for Vali who continues to glare at Issei.

Issei calms down from laughing and resumes the story. "Steve decides that he wants to rub one out himself, so he goes into his room and sees Blue, with his dick out, and uh, a model swimsuit calendar with fucking dog jizz all over it and a fucking pissed off love pillow. Steve then states…"

"Why the fuck is my love pillow alive now?" asks Kiba.

"What Steve didn't realize is that he made the love pillow real as if it was a real woman in his handy dandy notebook." Issei continues.

"You can't do that, that's a stupid copout you piece of shit." Riser says.

"Fucking M. Night Shyamalan over here." Loup adds.

"Why does Paprika talk?" Issei asks. "Why does the soap talk? Why does the mailbox talk? Doesn't make sense, just fucking, just go with it. So Steve and Blue start to fight over who gets to jack off where and when. Eventually, Steve decides that he is absolutely pissed off at and does not want to see Blue ever again. In fact, he's going to plan a murder plan in his handy dandy notebook. Steve decides to go downstairs and play some video games in his living room, and when he does, he looks at the camera and thus concluding the episode of Blue's Clues, he says…" everyone looks at Kiba.

"Next episode we'll find the 3 clues on how I killed that son of a bitch I swear." Kiba said.

"Yaaaaaaay!" Issei says in delight while applauding Kiba.

"That was the worst thing I ever fucking heard." said Gasper.

"Yeah well you had fun didn't you?"

Suddenly, the door to Riser's room opened. Everyone turned around and saw that Rias and Ravel were standing in the doorway. Rias looks at them and asks, "What is going on here?"

"Oh nothing, just a little party. We're getting high and telling a story where the moral is that when a dog jizzes on a calendar and sits on a love pillow it comes to life. It was all Issei's idea." Vali smirks as he answers Rias.

Rias raises an eyebrow and Issei turns back to look at Vali. "You fucking son of a bitch!" Issei says under his breath.

"I see. Well it looks like I have no choice but to punish my adorable, vulgar servant." Rias smiles and summons a demonic circle in her hand. "Now bend over Issei."

"Oh fuck me…" Issei's eyes widen. Riser picks up the bong and passes it around as everyone watches Rias spank Issei while he shrieks like a little girl.

"We should totally do this again soon." Saji whispers to Riser.

"Totally." Riser agrees as he takes another hit while Issei howls in pain.

 **THE END**

 **Author note: Wow, that was some of the most random crap I've ever written down in my life. I hope you all enjoyed it! If you liked this story or have any suggestions or complaints, please leave a review. Thanks for reading!**


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